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When I heard scientists had a cure for dyslexia it was music to my arse.

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on: Camulodunum
A Junior School Teacher is taking her Friday afternoon class and says to the children she has a little task for them and if they can get it right they can go home early. So she asks the class if any of them can come up with a sentence containing the word contagious.

A little girl puts her hand up and the teacher says "Yes Jenny, what is your sentence". Jenny' replies "my Grandma is ill at home with the flu and mummy says I can't visit her because it is contagious". "Excellent Jenny, you may go home early" said the teacher.

Next another little girl puts her hand up. "Yes Susie, what is your sentence". Susie replies, "my brother Billy is at home with Chicken Pox and no one can visit him because it is contagious". The teacher replies, "well Susie, it's very similar to Jenny's, but as you have made the effort, you too may go home early.

Then a little Irish boy, new to the class puts his hand up. "yes Declan, what is your sentence" asks the teacher.(in a broad Oirish accent) "Well Miss, me and my dad were watching the guy across the road paint his garage doors". My dad said "if he carries on using that 1" brush it'll take the contagious" ..................

I've been reading a horror story in braille. Something terrible is about to happen; I can feel it!

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.

The other day was so windy, I got really worried about the shed in our garden. Mainly because it hadn't been there 10 minutes earlier.

My wife complained that I never buy her flowers. But then I never knew she sold them!

I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else.

Bloody referees..

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

A manager is retiring and saying goodbye to the workers and was quite touched when one older worker said that the new manager would not be as good as him.

“I doubt that" he replied, flattered.

“No, really,” the old worker insisted. “I’ve worked here under five different managers, and each new one has been worse than the last

Dick Dastardly's dog was poorly, so he borrowed another one
It wasn't exactly the same
But it was a proxy Muttley

I've started a new carpenter's course.
We haven't made anything yet, we've only just begun.

I asked my mate what he would do if he came home and found another bloke in bed with his missus. He said he'd punch his lights out and break his white stick.