Joke of the day

[John Little]

From the Edinburgh Festival - one liners

1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham
2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons
3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel
4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather
5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars
6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel
7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford
8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine
9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker
10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

[John Little]

A lawyer representing a wealthy antiques dealer called him and said “Sonny I have good and bad news for you.

Sonny replied, “I’ve had a terrible day, give me the good news first.”

“Well”, he said, “ I met with your wife yesterday and she told me she had bought two pictures for $5000 and she thinks they might be worth $5 - 10 million !”

“Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very smart businesswoman too!” said Sonny . “What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer replied, “the pictures are of you having sex with your secretary”

[John Little]

Just come back from the funeral of good friend of mine who died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

[John Little]

Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"

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"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

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consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”

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“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, that password is already in use

[John Little]

A7489B49-E9CA-4421-A383-E0403E8C5AD7.jpeg (337.44 KiB) Viewed 19495 times

[John Little]

I used to love building sandcastles with my Granddad. But the my Grandma took the urn away.

[John Little]

right. Theresa had to explain this one to me. its from the international barclay james harvest fan club forum (international, mind!)

i’d just arrived at the hospital and the attendant said: ‘you can't park there, it's for badge holders.'

i replied: 'that's why i've come here, my shoulder hurts

[John Little]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a North Wales pub. The bartender asks the Irishman "what would you like to drink?"

"Guinness please"

He asks the Scotsman "What would you like sir?"

"A wee dram would be nice"

He turns to the Englishman and says:

"beth hoffech chi yfed?"

[John Little]

just found out that Richard Gere's father was a famous German ventriloquist.

His name was Gottler.


I looked out of the window in horror at the crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist - then I rushed outside.

"Let me through!" I yelled.

"Oh, thank God," said someone, "are you a doctor?"

"No," I replied, "that's my pizza."


The other day I ate a counterfeit Mr Kipling's cake.
It was an exceedingly good fake.


Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley.

They hope to scale up this technology to make trains run on thyme.

[John Little]

Had a terrible evening. I guessed orange, but it was chocolate. I guessed toffee, but it was peanut. I guessed Strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels.
"


I asked my mate, "Did you see the football this afternoon?"

"No, I missed it, " he replied.

"And that's why you're sacked as our goalie....."